Those Quiet Moments


So I really thought my next writer-voice-solidifying post was going to be about my current dating life. Which is actually going well. And, I was going to dissect it and figure out why it was going well because I think it's important to study success just as much as it is to study failure.

But, after letting the dating life kind of unfold and happen, I've found myself at another new point in my life. 

For a while there, there was a lot of activity going on. Having gotten to a new level of self-discovery from before, I was basking in the success and the joy and rewards that come with it. I was meeting all these amazing and interesting people randomly and serendipitously (which interestingly enough is how I met the current guy I'm seeing - something I'll maybe get to later.) I was working on my website and re-positioning my brand with the team at Creative Social Media which was a very exciting process. I was motivated and driven and was meeting with casting directors, and agents, and managers, working on scenes and my craft. I even started working with a great management company for commercials. Even before my seasonal rooftop job ended I had already gotten myself another unobtrusive day job with a great environment. 

And then my website was done. Yay! And I'm officially put on next week's schedule at the day job. Yay! And, I'm regularly being sent out for auditions. Yay!

And then all of a sudden, my life kind of comes to a pause, a meandering, if you will. Suddenly, I find myself with all this free time ahead of me. And, the dough - waiting for the next surge as it can be in the life of an actor, or at least me as an actor- has kind of dried up. I have no more updates to put up on Facebook. And, the dust settles.

And then there's this moment. That quiet moment. Where it all kind of dwindles down for a second and all that's left is me. And it's a little unsettling. I don't know if I like it. In fact, it's kind of scary. It's unnerving just to think about it, or talk about it, let alone write about it to post up on the very public, open space that is the internet. And there's the big question that comes to mind. Where do I go now?

And, this is where the real test lies. Where all the self-help, self-building, self-discovery, and self-defining that you've done and accumulated is challenged to come into play. What are you going to do when there's nothing else to validate you? In that quiet moment - because in life we all have them, like anything else it comes and goes - what are you going to do? What thoughts are you going to let define you? What beliefs are you going to hold on to? How are you going to position your thoughts? Because in this moment here, what you decide to believe right here is where the next step of your life is directed towards. 

And, so I re-position my thinking. Instead of panicking or self-doubting like I probably would have done even a year ago, I remind myself I was the one who actually asked the universe for some time to slow down. I felt things were too fast. I had barely found myself for life to start propelling forward so quickly. I felt I could have lost myself again too soon. I had asked for some R&R. I wanted the time to reflect, to sift, to evaluate. I wanted to ground myself in my center. And so, the universe did just that. Sometimes in life I feel like I'm so gung-ho that if given the option I'd charge ahead with the opportunities and resources given to me. Charge ahead regardless of whether I felt it was right or not. Whether it aligned with my beliefs or not. And, for me, still, right now I need time to reflect, to ponder, and see how every single thing passed along my way aligns with my self. My instincts are strong, but they're kind of everywhere, like a power you still have to learn to control.  I'm still learning to hone them and focus them.

And, so I think sometimes life gives you maybe the flu, or a limited means of spending money to let you re-evaluate. I mean, there's a whole other thing about money, and maybe I'll get to that later. But, life is like a spectrum, with a myriad of truths. And this is the one I choose to focus on. 

I'm using this time to find ways to better myself. I watch Taylor Swift "making of" interviews that inspire me. (Yes, I like Taylor Swift. I also love interviews. Biographies. Humans of New York posts. That's one of my favorite things to do: studying and hearing about people's lives, especially of those whom I respect. It's probably a good thing I chose to be an actor.) I'm reading an amazing book, and I make notes about more books. I restructure my budget. I make a plan. I go back to the basics. I go back to what I'm good at. Which is building up with what I've got. I'm putting my faith out there that the opportunities are going to start rolling in when I'm ready. I validate myself. I encourage myself. I get back to being me.