Lately, I'm learning the boundaries of what I'm okay with and what I'm not. I'm relearning what it means to have healthy relations with people. What it means to relinquish that steel grip of control and let people be who they really are. What I'm finding is a certain kind of freedom. A feeling of empowerment. Self reliance, which is an especially important thing for me. When I get involved with any kind of things or people, my emotions are so big that I get lost and dependent on whatever and whoever I'm involved with. Maintaining my self of sense has become my latest personal growth exercise. Like anything else, I'm learning how to control it. That inner driving need to fully commit myself to anything and everything that comes across my path. Disciplined discernment of my energy and emotion is my true test. As the ancient philosopher, Lao Tzu said:
Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
I've never really been one to be enticed by power. But, mastery over myself sounds like an essential asset of an ability in navigating life and going where I want to go. But on the opposite side of the coin, I'm also feeling a certain type of anxiety that comes with the unknown. As much as I am controlling it, I can't deny that it's there. I guess when it comes to trusting people you have to let them earn your trust, right? But, jumping into that unknown isn't always easy. Wow, am I finally starting to really take on my trust issues? (Self epiphany moment right there.)
Anyway, seeing people's true selves when given their freedom is exhilarating, as much as it is grounds for real, intent observation. I am constantly scanning for who they are, what their true motives are, and where I stand in the arrangement. Some people are more complex and I feel like I'm playing a game of chess. Intentional or not, perhaps even just with myself. I admit. It get exhausting at times. Times like these I just want people around me I don't have to keep my guard up for. Maybe one day I'll find those people and I'll finally be able to have that. The road there isn't easy. Especially when one is equipped with a hyper-awareness. A skill sharpened and honed over a significant amount of time and dedication.
Us humans have so many flaws. We manipulate, we control, we build boundaries, just so that we can break them due to our own curiosity. I guess I have a certain level of perfection in my mind, typical for an INFJ, and I really need to start letting that go. I really need to start allowing room for error. Especially human error. I've been doing it superficially, and now I'm learning to achieve it spiritually. A deep, genuine acceptance for the flaws of human nature. That's wherein, I feel, lies the key to real trust.
I started this entry with the intent to say that I need someone to make me believe in humanity again. That I want someone who tries so hard to and sees the beauty in all this world like I do, someone who is inherently good. Who wants to help others. Who's committed to loyalty. Who's committed to me. But, I realize. I am all these things. I can be and am these things for myself. A very wise person once told me that my destiny this lifetime is not in the support of others. That was my past. This lifetime I support my self. An independence and self-reliance that I've chased after my entire life. Now I finally have it. And, I guess it comes with a price. I can't go back to my old self from before. I no longer can lose myself in everything that stumbles across my path. I have to keep ahead and keep moving forward. I can't even really help it.
Besides, I've seen some truly beautiful aspects of people when I let them be themselves. I guess, in a way, that is true freedom. That is real trust.